Funnies 2

[Gad]



A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "On heat', agreed to look after her neighbours male dog while they were away on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep that night,she heard awful howling and moaning sounds and rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when they mate.


 Unable to separate them 
and perplexed as to what to do so, although it was late, she rang the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.




Having had the problem 
explained to him, the vet said: "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then ring you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw".




"Do you think that will really work?" she asked.




" Why the hell not" snarled the Vet " It just damn well worked for me!" .

[Lozzel]

A guy goes into Centrelink in Sydney and sees a card advertising for a

Gynaecologists' Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind

the desk. The Centrelink Assistant sorts through her files and replies:

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the

gynaecologist. You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and

underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply

shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils

so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's a starting

annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Wagga Wagga."

"Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

[shortie]

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?†The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire!â€

[shortie]

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

[fishingnut]

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

[Bommie]

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls. "Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the kid. "You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire. "Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the kid. "You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!

Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the kid walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows. "Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"

[ellicat]

An old man rocking on his porch sees a young kid and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls. "Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the kid. Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the kid going home with a bucket of fish.

.....

I'd never have picked he was an Asian from that accent :silly: :whistle: :lol:

Note: This is a joke about the false theory that all people with full buckets of fish are Asian. It is not a joke about Asians.

[Genesis]

lol @ the new avatar Brian :lol: You should seriously quality for a few toasters with the number of avatar changes you made

[kriso]

A scottish man stumbles out of a pub and starts to walk home wearing his kilt with pride when he falls over and passes out in a park, later on 2 old women walking along see the man in the park and walk over to see that he is not dead, when they find him sleeping one says to other before we go we should what scottish men really have on under the kilt? so she lifts his kilt to find out it really is nothing!

giggling the other says lets do something that will make him think twice about getting so drunk so she pulls a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his old fella and they walk off into the sun rise having a giggle about what they have done.

a couple of hours later the scottsman wakes and familarises himself with where he is and gets up walks to a tree to take a leak.

when he lifts his kilt he sees the ribbon wrapped on the old fella, he stops looks at it and says to his wanger " i dont know where ya been or what ya did but you won first place well done!!! "

[shortie]

Prostate Exam...Thai Style.

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a

prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while

visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather

more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection yet " he said

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[ellicat]

Why did the Greenie hug a tree ?

She smelt too bad to hug a person.

[Bommie]

poor tree

[Bommie]

[Zim man]

the first one is hilarious

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlrqa7yKQTs&feature=feedrec_grec_index

[Bommie]

[Jords]

love the vid of the kid getting peppered with schoolbags!

[ellicat]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in

Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[Zim man]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in

Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Repost....booo boooo booo, but at least you have a joke to tell

[crazywalrus]

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5Wuwi9ZKxE

[ellicat]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in

Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Repost....booo boooo booo, but at least you have a joke to tell

Ya get that on forums mate - get used to it

Also I am old and forgetful which is great as I can enjoy the same jokes over and over :pinch: :blush:

[ellicat]

Didn't quite know where to put this so decided I'd tack it onto this one....

I went out and joined the family in front of the TV tonight. It was an add break. I sat down and asked what we were watching. My Kitchen Rules was the reply. Ugghhh, what else is on I ask. Then the add break finishes and I look up and see Henry on there with another man :ohmy: :woohoo: :silly: :lol:

Turned out it wasn't really him, but does Henry have a sister ?

[Davo_Dinkum]

lmao

i got the pleasure of watching this show last night ,i was hiding in the bedroom.mrs came in and turned the tv on,so i saw this show .other wise i would have no idea what u are on about . must be Henry's sister hey .

ps :the tv is going great thanks elli ,much better than the old wood grain box we had in there .

i hide in there and watch my fishing shows now

[ellicat]

Good to hear Davo.

Glad to make your viewing experience a pleasant one, even if Henry is on the screen :lol:

[Gcarj]

Puns for Educated Minds.....

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Zim man]

The Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [if someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7.. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King inYpsilanti , Michigan at 5 AM., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!*** And They Breed !!!

[Zim man]

the yanks are now using these A 10's in libya

[Zim man]

Think he knew anything “before†the flash went off ? ?

[ellicat]

Think he knew anything “before†the flash went off ? ?

We'd have to see a shot from behind him to answer that

[dassa]

The Darwin Awards

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!*** And They Breed !!!

thanks mate what a way to start my morning you can picture some of them happening

[Zim man]

The Darwin Awards

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!*** And They Breed !!!

thanks mate what a way to start my morning you can picture some of them happening

the 4th one about the zimbabwe bus driver, i remember that being in the national news when i was still in zim. absolute classic.

[ellicat]

the 4th one about the zimbabwe bus driver, i remember that being in the national news when i was still in zim. absolute classic.

I heard they "recaptured" only 19 of them and the twentieth is believed to be flogging tackle somewhere in Australia...:whistle:

:lol:

[Zim man]

the 4th one about the zimbabwe bus driver, i remember that being in the national news when i was still in zim. absolute classic.

I heard they "recaptured" only 19 of them and the twentieth is believed to be flogging tackle somewhere in Australia...:whistle:

:lol:

those "WinninG" zimbabweans sure do get around, gotta keep your eye on them, dodgy the lot of em

[daveylad]

my mates from Zimbabwe and over the years he's sent me some absolute classics. found this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JPLZ3HFpYA&feature=related

[dassa]

my mates from Zimbabwe and over the years he's sent me some absolute classics. found this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JPLZ3HFpYA&feature=related

LMAO

[Bommie]

[Bommie]

Think he knew anything “before†the flash went off ? ?

We'd have to see a shot from behind him to answer that

[51MPL]

[Bommie]

[Bommie]

[Uthrax]

Haulin' ASS

A pair of eagles were nearly hit by a fighter jet.

"Wow!" said one eagle. "Look at that guy go!"

The other eagle replied, "Well, you'd go, too, if you had two assholes and they were both on fire!"