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chubbstar

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rayke1938
rayke1938

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered. As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and

fimmer
fimmer

We have just found out that grandpa has been addicted to viagra for the last 6 months. No one is taking it harder than grandma.

Drop Bear
Drop Bear

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Gad Community Regular

Gad

Posted
Posted

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, rising costs of living, my savings, what another Global Financial Meltdown will do to my super funds.

I called the Suicide Hotline.

I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told the guy I was suicidal, he got all excited.

He asked if I could drive a truck.

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Bommie Newbie

Bommie

Posted
Posted

There was once a group of Bio-statisticians and a group of Epidemiologists riding together on a train to joint meetings.

All the Epidemiologists had tickets, but the Bio-statisticians only had one ticket between them. Inquisitive by nature, the Epidemiologists asked the Bio-statisticians how they were going to get away with such a small sample of tickets when the conductor came through. The Bio-statisticians said, "Easy. We have methods for dealing with that." Later, when the conductor came to punch tickets, all the Bio-statisticians slipped quietly into the bathroom. When the conductor knocked on the door, the head Bio-statistician slipped their one ticket under the door thoroughly fooling the layman conductor. After the joint meetings were over, the Bio-statisticians and the Epidemiologists again found themselves on the same train. Always quick to catch on, the Epidemiologists had purchased one ticket between them. The Bio-statisticians (always on the cutting edge) had purchased NO tickets for the trip home. Confused, the Epidemiologists asked the Bio-statisticians "We understand how your methods worked when you had one ticket, but how can you possibly get away with no tickets?" "Easy," replied the Bio-statisticians smugly, "we have different methods for dealing with that situation." Later, when the conductor was in the next car, all the Epidemiologists trotted off to the bathroom with their one ticket and all the Bio-statisticians packed into the other bathroom. Shortly, the head Bio-statistician crept over to where the Epidemiologists were hiding and knocked authoritatively on the door. As they had been instructed, the Epidemiologists slipped their one ticket under the door. The head Bio-statistician took the Epidemiologists' one and only ticket and returned triumphantly to the Bio-statistician group. Of course, the Epidemiologists were subsequently discovered and publicly humiliated.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Do not use statistical methods unless you understand the principles behind them.

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madmullet Newbie

madmullet

Posted
Posted

The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this bloody badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your bloody BADGE........ ! !"

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rayke1938 Experienced

rayke1938

Posted
Posted

The Boss???

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

And insulted him,

So in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,

The stomach was bloated,

The legs got wobbly,

The eyes got watery,

And the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

.

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work...

The ass hole is usually in charge

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Gary_C Newbie

Gary_C

Posted
Posted

There are several claims as to where this particular anecdote originated. I first saw it in 1997 while at Uni and taking a chemistry course; I always thought it was hilarious:

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

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