Lozzel

Hey Ellicat, I remember that trip. Glenda & I caught some good fish that trip.

JUST IMAGINE.. If you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today! If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today! BUT.... If you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling.... YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!! BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS TO DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE! AND, DID YOU KNOW... A recent study found that the average Aussie walks 900 MILES A YEAR!!! Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR!!! THAT MEANS ….. ON AVERAGE, AUSSIES GET ..... 41 MILES TO THE GALLON. MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE" DOESN'T IT?

A man who was called to an interview at the ATO, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the ATO?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

This guy is robbing a house. He goes to the stereo unit first, opens the cupboard and before his eyes are hundreds of CD'S. He is very happy about finding so much marketable stuff, then suddenly he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you " He turns swiftly, shines the torch around the room, sees nothing, he shrugs and thinks to himself maybe I'm developing a conscience. However he proceeds stashing the CD'S into a bag, he hears again "Jesus is watching you" He begins searching the room with the torch light, he comes across a parrot sitting on a perch, and he asks the parrot, “was that you� Parrot replies "Yes it was." “Well you are a very clever bird. What is your name?†"Moses" says the parrot. “What a stupid name for a parrot, what stupid people would call their parrot Moses?†Parrot replies "The same stupid people that called their Rottweiler Jesus"

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that is so horrible? Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over. Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So then what happened? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. Man: Again? So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. Man: And then what? Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail. Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset! Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So then what did you do? Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can’t explain.

The wife left a note on the fridge......... "It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Mums!" I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold......... What the hell is she talking about?!!

My best friend "Rarney" I posted a pic of her on here several years ago, but with the changes the pic has gone. Sadly she passed away last week at the young age of 16 & 1/2 years.

A guy goes into Centrelink in Sydney and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologists' Assistant. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk. The Centrelink Assistant sorts through her files and replies: "Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's a starting annual salary of $85,000, but you're going to have to go to Wagga Wagga." "Oh, Is that where the job is?" he asks. "No," replied the assistant, "that's the end of the queue."

24 Hr's to Live Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.' She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris,however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....' At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a condom. The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill? Daffy replies... Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate !!!!

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?" asked his wife.. "I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half." "I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?" Roy replied: "Wrong room.

Management Course Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch..' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

For those people who dont know , Glenda (my wife) is from over the ditch :laugh: The only cow in a small town in Queensland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a real good cow in NZ quite cheaply. As you are aware, NZ has a fantastic dairy industry. Their cows are the best. They brought the cow from NZ and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side. "The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in NZ ?" The people were dumafounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow all the way from NZ ..... "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from NZ ? "The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from NZ "

40 Maori arrive at the Pearly Gates With bare feet and silly painted faces St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 Maori here from NZ. Can I let them in?' God says 'We are over the quota for Maori. Go out and tell them to choose Between them which are the 12 most worthy, And I will let just the dozen in.' Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God. 'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?' "No, No, the 'Pearly Gates'.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers !!!! ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, "your pecker gets harder when you're away from home".