Funnies 2

[Bommie]

[Bommie]

[Jords]

http://www.ntnews.com.au/article/2011/02/12/212161_ntnews.html

[rayke1938]

Basic Economics brought up to date

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

The government charges a gift tax.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

Goldman Sachs (VENTURE) CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION

You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have 300 people milking them.

You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Both are mad.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks rather attractive.........

Cheers

Ray

[pancakes_and_haggis]

haha

[Bommie]

[fishingnut]

[rayke1938]

Irish Mirror

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,

an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring

back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on

the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in

the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there

and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found

the mirror.........................................................................................

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch

he's runnin' around with.'

Cheers

Ray

[Bommie]

[Bommie]

[BassTracker]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.†The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?†The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?†said the barber. “That kid never learns!†Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?†The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!â€

[BassTracker]

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

[BassTracker]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[BassTracker]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

[BassTracker]

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

[max pwr]

Pulled this from one of my favourite sites..........

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, “Make mine a VB."

To which the boss of XXXX rejoined, "I'll have a XXXX, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Coopers paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,†he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[viper83]

Ha ha ha thats a good one mate...

[max pwr]

Here's an oldie

What has Hot Lips Houlihan and Niki Lauda got in common?

They've both been screwed by Major Burns.........

Guffaw.

[Gary_C]

I reckon Denis Leary is one of the funniest people in the world. His song "I'm an a**hole" was pretty much my friends' and my theme song in high school. Now, he has come out with this; and I'm sure it will replace "I'm Proud to be an American" at every hill billy bar in the lower 48

/>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0V8dlPFPyA

[rayke1938]

I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives:

Best call was from the chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman" - explaining ...

“Absolutely no interest for 36 monthsâ€

cheers

ray

[rayke1938]

Monica Lewinsky turns 50.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth......

[Bommie]

[rayke1938]

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

Cheers

Ray

[max pwr]

Superfoods were once normal foods.......

Till they saw their parents get murdered, now they're pi$$ed off :evil:

[regulated]

[BassTracker]

so thats what the world is coming too

[Bommie]

[Bommie]

[regulated]

http://dog-shaming.com/

[Bommie]

haha

[Bommie]

ha

[rayke1938]

A man and a woman who had never met before,

but who were both married to other people,

found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own blanket.'

After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.

At least he had the last “wordâ€. And that’s rare.

The End

[rayke1938]

During a lady's medical examination, the doctors says,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

[rayke1938]

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,

"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."

The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

~~~~~

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,

" Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."

~~~~~

Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.

At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,

So, the doctor gave him another six months.

~~~~~

One patient came in and said,

"Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."

The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied,

"When did what start?"

~~~~~

I remember one time I told my doctor

I had a ringing in my ears.

His advice:

"Don't answer it."

~~~~~

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.

One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."

The doctor gave him some pills and said,

"Here, take these -

If they don't work, give me a ring."

~~~~~

Another guy told the doctor that he thought

He was a deck of cards.

The doctor simply said,

"Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

~~~~~

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,

He told me to stop going to those places.

~~~~~

You know, doctors can be so frustrating.

You wait a month and a half for an appointment,

Then he says,

"I wish you had come to me sooner."

Chubbstar lives on through this thread. Keep it rolling.

Ray

[fishingnut]

Only a Farm Kid...

When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[rayke1938]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a

Policeman's funeral, a voice from inside

screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too bloody late pal, I've already done the paperwork"

Cheers

Ray

[rayke1938]

Canadian Stimulus Plan.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Prime Minister's

Residence, in Ottawa.

One is from Calgary , another is from Halifax , and the third is from a

First Nations . All three go with a Sussex drive official to examine the

fence.

The Calgary contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,

then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for

materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Halifax contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,

"I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew

and $100 profit for me."

The First Nations contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to

the Sussex Drive official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other

guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The First Nations contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,

and we hire the guy from Halifax to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.

Cheers

Ray

[Lozzel]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Mums!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........

What the hell is she talking about?!!

[Lozzel]

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting stewed. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what happened?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.

Man: Again? So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: And then what?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

Some things you just can’t explain.

[Lozzel]

This guy is robbing a house. He goes to the stereo unit first, opens the cupboard and before his eyes are hundreds of CD'S. He is very happy about finding so much marketable stuff, then suddenly he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you "

He turns swiftly, shines the torch around the room, sees nothing, he shrugs and thinks to himself maybe I'm developing a conscience. However he proceeds stashing the CD'S into a bag, he hears again "Jesus is watching you"

He begins searching the room with the torch light, he comes across a parrot sitting on a perch, and he asks the parrot, “was that you�

Parrot replies "Yes it was."

“Well you are a very clever bird. What is your name?â€

"Moses" says the parrot.

“What a stupid name for a parrot, what stupid people would call their parrot Moses?â€

Parrot replies "The same stupid people that called their Rottweiler Jesus"