Funnies 2

[Lozzel]

A man who was called to an interview at the ATO, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the ATO?"

The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

[dassa]

lattest jokes this week THE MAGGOTS AND THE WOOD DUCKS GGGOOOONNNNNEEEEEEE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[shortie]

LAtest joke for the last 40 years. Carlton. ROFLLLLLLLLLL

[ellicat]

.....and Collingwood too it would seem.....

[Bommie]

a

[rayke1938]

[Binder]

C.r.a.p you've now published my secret password I use for everything!

[Stevodevo]

Here's one for you all

There were 2 eggs that just got married and on the honey moon night the female dresses sexy and the male come out with a helmet on

the female says honey why are you wearing a helmet

the male says every bloody time I get hard i get hit on the head by a spoon.

[Gary_C]

Super P.A.C.s are the worst thing to happen to American politics ever, but once in awhile they do come up with something amusing.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4TpvcIo5lg

[BassTracker]

hahahaha that was pretty funny gary, almost as good as his bed time stories

[ellicat]

Pretty tasteless and full of irony, but whatever floats your boat

[Gary_C]

hahahaha that was pretty funny gary, almost as good as his bed time stories

It was written by the same guy who wrote the best selling children's story "Go the F*** to Sleep."

I assume that the embedding was removed due to title, I did not realize that it was not censored as every bit of offensive language in the video was censored.

For anybody wanting to watch the video, go to youtube and search" Samuel L Jackson Obama Wake Up

[ellicat]

Yep, the title was outside the language rules so I just took out the embedding. The link is still there though. So click on through.

[Bommie]

[rayke1938]

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That s right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "you're getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place."

My husband & I were both suffering from depression so we both decided to commit suicide yesterday.

Strangely enough after he killed himself, I started feeling much better so I thought damn it, I’ll just soldier on.

Friend 1. “I heard your husband passed away last week.â€

Friend 2. “Yes he went down to his garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner & dropped dead in the middle of the vegetable patch.â€

Friend 1. “That’s terrible, what did you do?â€

Friend 2. “Oh I just opened up a can of peas instead.â€

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's violence towards her. The Doc asks: "Tell me about itâ€

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor , I dinae know what to do.

Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home drunk, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "It's really nae big secret.

The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that’s what does the trick..."

Cheers

Ray

[fishingnut]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly..

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now remove my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it.....constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!!"

[fishingnut]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'

The man broke into a big smile and said, no.

She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'

[rayke1938]

How It Really Happened In the White House:..

Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef.

The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a bit funny.

By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom.

Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his bum, which made him feel even worse.

By now, the President was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He tried every door in the hallway and was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

The President fell to the floor in pain and as he was just about to pass out, Monica bent over him to listen for a heartbeat and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice,

"Sack my cook."

A, true story, that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

[Bommie]

[fishingnut]

1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?

A licker cabinet.

2 What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

Fur Traders.

6. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

Well Hung.

7. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?

She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

8. What do you call lesbian twins?

Lick-a-likes.

9. What's the definition of confusion?

Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

10. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

11. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 Council workers?

100 people that don't do dyck.

[regulated]

[video width=425 height=344 type=youtube]phynkmB5xEU

[Lozzel]

JUST IMAGINE..

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Qantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today!

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Lehman Brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today!

BUT....

If you purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling....

YOU WOULD HAVE RECEIVED $214.00!!!

BASED ON THE ABOVE, THE BEST CURRENT INVESTMENT PLAN IS

TO DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE!

AND, DID YOU KNOW...

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks 900 MILES A YEAR!!!

Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 GALLONS OF ALCOHOL A YEAR!!!

THAT MEANS ….. ON AVERAGE,

AUSSIES GET ..... 41 MILES TO THE GALLON.

MAKES YOU PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE" DOESN'T IT?

[regulated]

[coughy]

hahahahahha

that is a way to get out to the deeper water.. :woohoo:

[rayke1938]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and only two moving parts - the mouth and the arse - and they're interchangeable'

[tomartomau]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irm3JuhaD40

[Bommie]

[Bommie]

[demarc]

Yankee Logic

A farmer stood leaning on a fence at the edge of his

property. He watched as a red sports car came over

the top of a hill and followed the road up to the

spot where he stood. The driver pulled over to the

side of the road and called out to the farmer.

"Do you know how I can get to Route 41?" the driver

asked.

The farmer thought for a few seconds. Then he said,

"Nope."

"Do you know where the nearest turnpike entrance

is?" the driver asked.

"Nope."

"How about the town of Crossville. Do you know

which direction it is from here?"

"Nope."

Exasperated, the driver raced his engine. "You don't

know very much, do you?!" he said.

"Nope," the farmer replied. "But I'm not lost."

[demarc]

Limerick

In the kitchen he wanted to boff her.

Satisfaction he tried to proffer.

She replied, "I am sold,

But the floor is too cold."

So he made her a counter-offer.

[demarc]

Short Ones

---

"Darling," he breathed, after making love I

doubt if I'll ever be able to get over you,

so would you mind answering the phone?"

---

Two accountants were discussing a colleague's

interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I just don't get it." said one. "She's an

airhead -- nothing going on upstairs. "That

may be true," replied the other, "but I don't

think that's the floor he's getting off on."

---

When Roy and Michael found out their wives

were attending a sex-toy party, they refused

to go and pick them up. Instead they decided

to leave them to their own devices.

---

A woman participating in a survey was asked

how she felt about condoms. She said,

"Depends on what's in it for me."

[daveylad]

One of the worlds best comedians in action

/>http://youtu.be/iU9PWCqEdPE

[Bommie]

[Bommie]

MAJOR FAIL

[bommie2]

e1846b127cbda7fdbe3278316af4f37e

[bommie2]

e1846b127cbda7fdbe3278316af4f37e

[fishingnut]

[Bommie]

[fishingnut]

[fishingnut]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=MNHJY4CsC90