Funnies 2

[Lozzel]

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife..

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room.

[Lozzel]

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls hotel reception and asks for a condom.

The receptionist says, shall I put them on your bill?

Daffy replies...

Don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate !!!!

[fishingnut]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little

Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

'Quick, quick!' shouts Sister Catherine. 'What shall we do?’ Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns

'What shall I do now?' she shouts.

'Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,' says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he cling’s on and continues hissing at the nuns.

'Now what?' shouts Sister Catherine.

'Show him your cross,' says Sister Helen.

'Now you're talking,' says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, 'Get the f**k off the car'.

[ccroke]

A video i just saw on youtube of a kayak fisherman getting attacked by a goose.

/>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cV4FCwtTEo

[free2rome2]

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick.

The moral of the story............

Pay your bills!!!

[free2rome2]

The Old Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[ellicat]

ccroke wrote:

A video i just saw on youtube of a kayak fisherman getting attacked by a goose.

/>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cV4FCwtTEo

What a cracker !! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Made my day...thanks !

[kriso]

the drop in number of suicide bombings has been put down to susan boyle. Now muslims know what a virgin looks like they're not so fucking keen on going to paradise!

[kriso]

ellicat wrote:

ccroke wrote:

A video i just saw on youtube of a kayak fisherman getting attacked by a goose.

/>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6cV4FCwtTEo

What a cracker !! :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Made my day...thanks !

another funny one is got to you tube and search for a movie called "charlie the drunk guinea pig"

[werewolf]

LOL at the goose vid!

[reef_raider]

this is a long one but i think well worth the read...

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the lounge room. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a trolley and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned staff member turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor kid, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

.......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the dunny, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the toilets, reacquired my partially filled trolley intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked, none too kindly, not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Kmart. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

[Scope]

That is priceless reef raider! haahhaha I've got tears in my eyes

[dassa]

Hey reef_raider that remids me of this,this is the fuuuunnnnist things I have ever read long but worth the read

cheers dassa

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking

lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a

Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment

and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by

the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all

that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the

flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILLI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.

Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing

behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like

this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chill i an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the

chil li peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.

The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain

damage.

Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.

I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked

me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm

worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand

behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to

wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers

at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3.

He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting

any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch

hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot curry?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

:laugh:

[fishingnut]

Mick's

Missus

.

. . . . . Camp'n and Fish'n

Mick

was attending his 4wd club's monthly meeting and had just told

them he couldn't make the upcoming Cape Keraudren (the

start of the Eighty Mile beach 151 kilometres north east of

Port Hedland) camping

and fishing trip because his missus wouldn't let him go

!!!

After

copping the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks

Mick left to go back home to the missus.

When

Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Cape Keraudren

the following week who should be there;but Mick sitting up in

front of Land Rover 4WD, swag rolled out , fishing rod in

hand, camp oven roast stewingaway in a hot bed of

coals.

"How

did ya talk ya missus into letting you go Mick?"

"I

didn't have to ," was Mick's reply."When I left the meeting I

went home and slumped down in my chair with

a

beer to drown my sorrows. Then the missus snuck up behind me

and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".

When

I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful

see through negligee and she said ,

'Carry

me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do

whatever you want’.

SO

HERE I AM !!!

[ellicat]

Pete Garret's resigning from politics

He's starting a cover up band called

Midnight Foil.

Songs such as the following will not be covered though -

Beds are Burning;

Bring on the Change;

Bushfire;

Comfortable Place on the (front bench) Couch;

Don't Wanna Be The One;

Dreamworld;

Drums of Heaven;

Dust;

Forgotten Years;

Helps Me Helps You;

Home;

I'm the Cure;

Naked Flame;

Nothing Lost - Nothing Gained;

Now Or Never Land;

One Too Many Times;

Profiteers;

Progress;

Read About It;

Safety Chain Blues;

Sell My Soul;

Short Memory;

Somebody's Trying To Tell Me Something;

Someone Else To Blame;

Tell Me The Truth;

Time To Heal;

Tin Legs And Tin Mines;

Too Much Sunshine;

Used and Abused;

When The Generals Talk;

Whoah;

World That I see.

[werewolf]

Bud light clothing drive:

you will be in tears watching this :woohoo:

[Cowfish13]

There were some great Bud Light adds during the super bowl. Good ones by Coke and Doritos as well

[shortie]

Darling... says a husband sheepishly to his wife, Let's try a new position tonight.

Good idea! She replies: You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes,

and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart.!

[shortie]

What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

[shortie]

What happened to the blind skunk?

He fell in love with a fart.

[shortie]

What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

[shortie]

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man lets rip a fart.

Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?"

Man says, "TOUCHDOUWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!"

A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher.

Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

[Bommie]

How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!"?

Shout "BINGO!".

[Lozzel]

24 Hr's to Live

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the

doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch

and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris,however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns,

until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could....'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is

enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

[fishingnut]

INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES......

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part

of Arizona when her car broke down....

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered

her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the

Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it

echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service

station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

' What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the

service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around

his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles'.

[billp]

History’s Top 10 uses of the F*** Word

10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

1st - "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

[fishguru5]

HAHAHAHAH!

[shortie]

.

[Davo_Dinkum]

hahaha

[Bommie]

A Solicitor parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his

colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding along too close to the kerb and

takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Solicitor grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any

questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche

is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters, it'll simply never be the same

again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Solicitors are,' he says. 'You lot are so

focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies: 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit

you?'

The Solicitor looks down in horror.

'F#*#ING HELL!' he screams...

'Where's my Rolex????

[dassa]

hahahahaha thats a classic

[Zim man]

heres a good one

[RyanG45]

i got a short one

What did the left testicle say to the right testicle........

the guy in the middle is a dick

cheers ryan

[rayke1938]

A farmer named Eric was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in New South Wales when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Eric looks at the man, obviously a city yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Eric.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Eric says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a senator in the Government", says Eric.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

Cheers

Ray

[Bommie]

keeping with the bear theme

[Bommie]

"I want to be the first man in history to win every title going down from 168 pounds to 154 pounds and hopefully we can get that fight for the junior-middleweight belt,"

[ellicat]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

...."and now what we've all been waiting for"...:laugh: :laugh:

[dassa]

I here there looking for a new sponsor for mundine.......on the soul's of his boot's

should get plenty of advertising. :evil: :evil:

[Zim man]

not sure if i have posted this before, scanned it from the national paper when i was in zimbabwe.

there is usually something along those lines in the paper every couple days.

[ellicat]

:silly:

So that's where the Courier Mail recruits its journos from :whistle: :laugh: :laugh: