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My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered. As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and

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Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.   You s

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Oscar Pistorius

Roses are red,

Violets are glorious,

Don't try to surprise

Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.

White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people?

An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.

Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up and coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

And the Oscar goes to...

Prison.

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This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a Woman

In a brand new VW Golf Doing 75Mph!!

With her face up next to her Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away

For a couple seconds

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily..

But she scared me so much I dropped

My electric shaver, Which knocked

The meat pie Out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying

To straighten out the car

Using my knees against The steering wheel,

It knocked My Mobile phone

Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee

Between my legs, Which splashed,

And burned "Big Jim and the Twins",

Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an Important call.

BLOODY Women Drivers!!

Cheers

Ray

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Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife

that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch

and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

"Honey, please... just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending end, tosses and turns,

until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris,

I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

Cheers

Ray

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Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, Anthony Mundine meets a man with a beard. “Are you Mohammed?†he asks.

“No my son, I am St. Peter. Mohammed is higher up.â€

Peter then points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St. Peter, Mundine climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room where he meets another bearded man. He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?â€

“Why no,†he answers, “I am Moses; Mohammed is higher still.â€

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again. He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?â€

“No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohammed higher up.â€

Mohammed higher than Jesus! Man, oh man! Mundine can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs even higher. Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his question.

“Are you Mohammed?†he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.

“No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?â€

Mundine says, “Yes please!â€

As God looks behind Mundine, he claps his hands and yells out, “Hey, Mohammed! Two coffees!â€

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Minnesota bank robbed!

On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a Minnesota bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag.

As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.

Without a moment's hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot & killed her also.

Everyone in the bank, by now horrified, stared down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There was a long moment of dead silence in which everyone was terrified to speak.

Then, one old Australian named Bernie cautiously raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Cheers

Ray

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During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.

Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

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Cheers

Ray

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Anothe4r one in memory of chubstar,

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A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a

black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.â€

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the

lake as soon as we bury his wife.â€

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  • ellicat pinned this topic
  • 1 year later...

True Friendship... SCOTTISH STYLE!!
(None of that Sissy shite)
Are ye tired o those pish weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here are a series o promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card .
Just the stone cold truth o a great friendship.
>
1. When ye are sad -- I will help you get pished and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.
2. When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.

3. When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When ye are scared -- I will take the pish oot o you every chance I get,
until you're NOT.

5. When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP WHINGIN'!

6. When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words.

7. When ye are sick -- Stay the **** away frae me until ye are well again.
I don't want whatever ye've got.

8. When ye fall, I will laugh my ****in heed aff at you, you clumsy arse,
.......but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it tae the end.
'Why?' you may ask;
Because you are my friend.

Friendship is like pishing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

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  • 4 weeks later...

1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


2. Phone answering machine message:  'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'


3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.  The shrink says,  'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 


4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any. 


6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident.  He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'  The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'. 


8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft.  It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. 


9.  Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.  Police say that he topped himself. 


10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.  Doc says,  'I'll give you some cream to put on that.' 


12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet.  

'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'



13. Guy goes into the doctor's.  'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Oh, don't you start.' 




14.  What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh. 


16.  Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese.  There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese.  It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin. 


17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 

'So are you, you fat bastard!' 


18.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.  They charged one and let the other one off. 



20 A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more' 


21. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.  Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

 

 

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