Another Army joke.

[rayke1938]

Subject: Letter of Explanation to ones Commanding Officer

Makes one so proud to read the truth

Letter to his CO from a Captain answering his CO's "Request for further

information."

Sir,

In your icy, indeed hostile, telephone call of yesterday, you requested

a report about the alleged proceedings involving my soldiers. As the

reports from the local authorities and the head of the Australian

legation were undoubtedly a complete fabrication, I welcome the

opportunity to put the truth of the matter forward.

Your kind offer to "buy a round of drinks" for the troops at the end

of the deployment was taken and the CSM ensured that appropriate

quantities of libation and food were purchased against your credit card

, with festivities being held in my hotel suite. An enjoyable evening

ensued but insufficient supplies had been obtained, so several members

of the company left for further purchases at a local bar.

In a truly magnanimous gesture, ten bar girls from that establishment

helped carry the beer back to the hotel. To demonstrate our

appreciation of their assistance, we served them some cool drink. They

then offered to show us some local culture, and, in order not to

offend, we allowed them to dance.

The banging on the walls of my room had, by now, quite honestly, become

invasive, and it was disturbing the dancers, so we arranged an amusing

little deterrent. LT Brown's impersonation of a Police Officer was

quite clever as he goose-stepped to each room and harangued the

occupants with a very witty diatribe about disturbing hotel guests. I

personally heard nothing of his alleged threats to life or limb in as

claimed by the sister of the local Police Chief whose room was,

unluckily, next door.

I suspect that this woman was the sneak who called security and hotel

management but I absolutely refute that the shout "Stand To, enemy

approaching!" was made. The simple coincidence of security arriving

just as we stood the double bed on its side across the door to make the

dance floor bigger is obvious. The major damage to the room occurred

when a group of gatecrashers, whom we could not know were hotel

security, forced their way in just as most of us happened to be leaning

against the bed watching the dancing.

The subsequent events in the foyer of the hotel are an equally vicious

distortion of the facts. I was explaining the importance of the post

activity celebrations to the General Manager of the hotel, and stating

that other guests were obviously fabricating their stories of the noise

and drinking, when CPL Smith and several others from HQ Coy (in keeping

with their pursuit of physical fitness) organised the race up the drapes

which hang along the foyer wall. It says little for the workmanship that

the fittings were torn from the wall before most of the company was

even halfway up.

At this stage SGT Williams, our Orderley Room SGT attempted to rescue

the situation with her depth of knowledge of local culture. Her

rendition of the Fertility Dancing Maiden in the foyer's 'Pool of

Remembrance' was nothing short of breathtaking. Normally this dance is

performed wearing just a sarong skirt but SGT Williams' extra step to "

Au Natural" was a bold step forward. Unfortunately, during one

intricate step, SGT Williams slipped and fell beneath the fountain, but

we were lucky that SSGT Johnson had the great presence of mind to strip

to avoid getting his uniform wet, leapt in to help.

The tiles of the pool were very slippery and it took nearly ten minutes

of threshing about before he could actually complete his rescue. Such

concern was there for these two exemplary member's safety, that the

many of company jumped in to assist, and I deny that this massed rescue

attempt could be construed as a 'Water Polo' game!

Order had nearly been restored when the fire started. I prefer CPL

White's version of events that the drapes had caught fire from being

against a light fitting, and that he dropped his cigarette lighter

whilst trying to escape the flames. Had hotel management fulfilled

their responsibilities and used fire retardant material instead of

velvet, the fire would not have spread to the rest of the hotel.

The responsible attitude shown by my soldiers in assisting the bar

staff to carry out drinks from the c0cktail party is to be commended,

not condemned, and the attempt by many male members to extinguish

pockets of fire using natural means has been totally misrepresented in

some quarters.

I made an official protest about these matters when the head of the

Australian Legation visited us at the Police Station the next morning.

However, not only did Ambassador Downey not attempt to refute the

preposterous allegations made against me and my soldiers crew, but also

failed to secure our release immediately.

I trust that now I have outlined the correct version of events, we may

allow ourselves a discreet smile as to the lack of social

sophistication of some of these developing nations and put all this

behind us. In my opinion my soldiers behaved in accordance with the

finest Australian Army traditions.

Your most obedient servant,

[ryanyoung]

Classic Ray!!!