rayke1938

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?


I'm awfully cold'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own blanket.'



After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.
At least he had the last “wordâ€. And that’s rare.

The End

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.


As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"



So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
Cheers
Ray

Canadian Stimulus Plan.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Prime Minister's
Residence, in Ottawa.
One is from Calgary , another is from Halifax , and the third is from a
First Nations . All three go with a Sussex drive official to examine the
fence.
The Calgary contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Halifax contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The First Nations contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the Sussex Drive official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The First Nations contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Halifax to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.
Cheers
Ray

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a
Policeman's funeral, a voice from inside
screams:

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters:

"Too bloody late pal, I've already done the paperwork"
Cheers
Ray

Canadian Stimulus Plan.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Prime Minister's
Residence, in Ottawa.
One is from Calgary , another is from Halifax , and the third is from a
First Nations . All three go with a Sussex drive official to examine the
fence.
The Calgary contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring,
then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for
materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Halifax contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says,
"I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew
and $100 profit for me."

The First Nations contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to
the Sussex Drive official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other
guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The First Nations contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you,
and we hire the guy from Halifax to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.
Cheers
Ray

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
" Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."

~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
One patient came in and said,

"Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied,
"When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor
I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice:
"Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said,
"Here, take these -
If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought
He was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said,
"Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
Then he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner."

Chubbstar lives on through this thread. Keep it rolling.
Ray

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
" Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."

~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
One patient came in and said,

"Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"

The man replied,
"When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor
I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice:
"Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said,
"Here, take these -
If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought
He was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said,
"Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment,
Then he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner."

Chubbstar lives on through this thread. Keep it rolling.
Ray

During a lady's medical examination, the doctors says,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.



Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?


I'm awfully cold'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own blanket.'



After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.
At least he had the last “wordâ€. And that’s rare.

The End

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.


As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"



So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
Cheers
Ray

Monica Lewinsky turns 50.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth......

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.


As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"



So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
Cheers
Ray

During a lady's medical examination, the doctors says,

"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.



Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?


I'm awfully cold'


'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!......................That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied................'Get your own blanket.'



After a moment of silence, .........................he farted.
At least he had the last “wordâ€. And that’s rare.

The End

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.


As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"



So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
Cheers
Ray

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.


As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"



So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
Cheers
Ray

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.


As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"



So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
Cheers
Ray

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.


As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"



So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"
Cheers
Ray

Monica Lewinsky turns 50.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth......

I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives:
Best call was from the chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman" - explaining ...
“Absolutely no interest for 36 monthsâ€
cheers
ray

I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives:
Best call was from the chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman" - explaining ...
“Absolutely no interest for 36 monthsâ€
cheers
ray

I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives:
Best call was from the chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman" - explaining ...
“Absolutely no interest for 36 monthsâ€
cheers
ray

Basic Economics brought up to date

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.
The government charges a gift tax.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

Goldman Sachs (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds. You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks rather attractive.........

Cheers
Ray

both long hair Chihuahua.

Jessy and her baby's


Jessy

Elvis at wavebrake

Elvis now

Elvis when he was a baby ,when we got him .