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For some reason I cant open the old "funnies" thread

:( :( :(

So I'm kicking of a new one.......

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating

furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing

that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry

that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition

where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that

at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles

could easily rupture.'

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in

bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed,

'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan.

Jayson

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My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered. As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and

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Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.   You s

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This is more fact than joke, but still a good read;)

An Obituary printed in the London Times........ Interesting and sadly rather true.

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

Common Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as some churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust his wife, Discretion his daughter, Responsibility his son, Reason He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Jayson

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This prostitute who was also a Cricket fan, got a tattoo of Ricky Ponting and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.

She says to her customer "If you can guess who they are you get a free naughty.".

He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are

but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!

Jayson

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I can imagine Ray or Dino doing this!!!

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Jayson

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Some oldies and goodies from dino.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She

asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the Radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would haveTo go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My Goodness!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

Cheers

Ray

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  • 9 months later...

Another round of blonde jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one

blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida

or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida

?????"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it

died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if

he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just

yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it

to you!"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another

blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the

other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

"You ARE on the other side."

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her

body hurt wherever she touched it..

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,

then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and

screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she

touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the

wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the

trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL

OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian

said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at

night!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She

rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If

you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and

asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one

was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard

of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was

sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started

screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a

frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat

calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that

God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all

eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years...

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  • 4 weeks later...

Let me contribute... by telling you something....

:):):)

When you see a woman....

And want her badly..

Please consider the following....

No matter how beautiful she is.....

image002.jpg

No matter how sexy she is...

image003.jpg

No matter how seductive she is...

image004.jpg

No matter how cute and sweet she is ...

image006.jpg

No matter how huge her melons are...

image007.gif

Ummmmm..... I forgot what I was going to say............

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BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! (For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10,

Australia has 9.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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  • 4 weeks later...

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico

arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker

claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a

hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to

peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently

used by woodpeckers !!!! ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that

he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker

successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking

a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the

Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican

woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck

the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same

conclusion:

Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said, "your pecker gets

harder when you're away from home".

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  • 2 weeks later...

I swear that this is a true Bundy Rum Fishing Story

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish! (For you o/seas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth. Out of the world’s top 10,

Australia has 5.

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same bloody snake with two frogs in his mouth.

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Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank 's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what could they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?

Well, I've been here all day. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes and said "guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, she had handcuffs and rope!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

Then she said "Do whatever you want."

Here I am!

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40 Maori arrive at the Pearly Gates

With bare feet and silly painted faces

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying.

'I've got 40 Maori here from NZ.

Can I let them in?'

God says

'We are over the quota for Maori.

Go out and tell them to choose

Between them which are the 12 most worthy,

And I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later

St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

"No, No, the 'Pearly Gates'.

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For those people who dont know , Glenda (my wife) is from over the ditch :laugh:

The only cow in a small town in Queensland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a real good cow in NZ quite cheaply. As you are aware, NZ has a fantastic dairy industry. Their cows are the best.

They brought the cow from NZ and it was wonderful,

produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so

they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever

the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move

away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was

very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward, they said

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the

other side.

"The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this

before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in NZ ?"

The people were dumafounded, since no one had ever mentioned

that they had brought the cow all the way from NZ .....

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from NZ ?

"The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from NZ "

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Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily

and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after

lunch..'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say..

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

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