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Have a Giggle


Lozzel

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WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!

I went to Bunning’s recently while not being altogether sure that course of action

was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a

massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself'

road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which

comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of

your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee

(and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'.

Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was

unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as

'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I

bravely set off for Bunning’s, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began

pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the

opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring

to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chilli from the

night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,

forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in

the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.

The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious

cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move

for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body,

and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk

turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would

be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been

torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure

some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked

into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that

all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there

blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off

angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me

laugh.

.......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',

if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth

from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told

a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing

the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off

through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole

way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began

the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass

is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the

middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a

gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that

bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart

intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached

me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.

It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager

is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to

take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape

me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover

his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',

then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was

unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly

not to return

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat

but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went

to shop at Woolies . I can't say anymore about that because we are in

court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

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I have been a culprit for this.When my wife and I were dating, I knew one was rumbling just as we were at the checkout.I said to my wife that I had forgotten something just as the temperature rose where we were standing.I went to an aisle and grinned from ear to ear as my wife and the checkout chick eagle eyed each other no doubt thinking each other smelt like crap.It wasn't til later I told her.Not happy Jan.

Have done the same at work but unintentionally.Was talking to my supe when I dropped one(it snuck out) then noticed our recruitment staff rep was about to walk in for a visit.I bolted.Shortly after, I returned with a threat of imminent hurt if I did it again(my supe looks like and is built like the Rock wrestler).The lady walked through the door with a great deep breath of hello and held her breath due to the stench.My supe was holding his breath too and regarded it as one of the most awkward moments he had experienced.Not quite painting a nice picture of myself but just admitting to some past antics.

Mate your story/experience had me in stitches.

Hulk

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dam that funny as .

i laughed so much i farted and almost **** myself .

fell off the chair ,had a coughing fit from laughing so much .

it was the in the toilet part that set me off i just couldn't stop laughing after that ,took me 20 min to finish reading it .

that's got to be the funnest thing i have read this year.

oh that's so much more than a giggle.

i'm sweating now from laughing so much.

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