One for the Retiries (or ol' codgers)

[Lozzel]

SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to

Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get

in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she

loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from

the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Caldwell,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our

store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both

of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Caldwell,

are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other

people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the

women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official

voice,'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the

employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her

Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing

management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on

lay away.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the

children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and

blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying

and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were

called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a

mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked

the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming

the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practised his 'Madonna look' by

using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,

yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he

assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,

then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of

the clerks passed out.

[marlin magic]

I love it that reminds me of a few old fellas :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[Feral]

I'm married, I'm with him. Anything to relieve the boredom and drudgery of accompanying a woman to a shop! Its called SHOPPING not BROWSING aaaagggghhhh!

[Davo_Dinkum]

i like that 1 .

makes me smile .

i don't run a muck that bad when stuck shopping with the mrs .

but i do entertain myself

[Lozzel]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room .....

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

[Lozzel]

Butt Measurements

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the

man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big,

I mean reeeally big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the

grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured

his wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him

off 'What's wrong?' he asks.

She answers:

'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage?'

[marlin magic]

thats gold :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: