golden oldies

[faulked]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an

affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see

that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't

put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you,

that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the

confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven

times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,

'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the

dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.

Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor crea ture?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in

the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what

they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to

them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the

dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am

92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great

grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel,

where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

[faulked]

Still waiting....

I did what you told me... I sent the email to 10 people

like you said . I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen .

To all my friends who in the last year sent me

best 'wishes', chain letters, 'angel'

letters

or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT CRAP WORKED! For 2010 , could you please just send money, chocolate or booze

[faulked]

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several

other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the

receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who

looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE - YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT

?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very

embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

�NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON�T WANT THE SAME

DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS !�

The room erupted in applause - DON'T MESS WITH US OLD FOLKS.

[faulked]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,

and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3

times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,

"Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex

with yer.

Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad

passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good,

let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willy

in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than

before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful.

But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet.

You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls

again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and

Cilla asks

"Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand

and yer willy in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla,

but the last time I shlept with a scouser,

the bitch stole ma wallet!"