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China's preparation for the Olympics!

kriso

By kriso
in Humour

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bigtez Newbie

bigtez

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On a similar note, google used to have a program that would translate a phrase from one language to another then when you copied and pasted it and translated it back into english it would be completely different. Might have to dig that up again.

Terry

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shortie Newbie

shortie

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Dan23 wrote:

Am I the only one who noticed there was more than one person offended by this thread?

Of course most of us Aussies would agree that it in our opinion is harmless, but if more than one person states that it has upset them, then shouldn't we be big enough to at least say sorry?

[img size=150]http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a13/rla72/sorry1.jpg

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dunney Newbie

dunney

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kev mate just let it go.i have spoken only a few times when selling you thins and you seem liek a nice guy.if this topic annoyed you so badly then report it..if it bothere you so much just dont read things in this thread anymore if they dont shut the thread down..

i think a few people on this site dont agree with the comments your trying to make..its just all fun..i dont really see what your so offended about..these are real pictures from real life places..not racist jokes..there isnt anything in this thread that i would consider derogitory.

just take the advice from your signatre and you'll be fine.just let it be water to a ducks back..there are far worse things in the world going on than this.

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ando_04 Newbie

ando_04

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kevinchen19870316 wrote:

so ur threatening me to stay out of ur thread? well, ok, i will. but DO KEEP CLEAR FROM MY THREADS!!!

don't teach me and dan how to release threadfin when we've caught near 40 and 35 of them r now taking baitfish happily. and don't be upset when i black out the pics, if u wanna get some of them, have a look at my signature, that's the best spot i can give away.

now deal?

Now thats a joke!!!

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shortie Newbie

shortie

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What do you call 15 Australians watching the world cup Rugby final??????

The Wallabies.

New Preamble to the Australian Constitution

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".

Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.

We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.

We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.

We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.

While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.

So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.

Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?

Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

Now bugger off, we're sleeping.

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shortie Newbie

shortie

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An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

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shortie Newbie

shortie

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Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot."

"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America.

North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"

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ellicat Grand Master

ellicat

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Cowfish13 wrote:

shortie wrote:
>http://stuffucanuse.com/aussie_windows/aussie_windows.htm

Bahahahahahaha!!!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

One of the funniest thngs I've ever read:laugh:

Did you follow the links in there ?

The one about Australia moving was hilarious.

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brisbane_boy Newbie

brisbane_boy

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shortie wrote:

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

wats this so called BRIAN:huh: ur talkin about shorti???

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shortie Newbie

shortie

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One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says,

"You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."

The astonished Chinese man replied,

"It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says,

"You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."

Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

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Yuffie Newbie

Yuffie

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I am an Australian-Chinese, and I've read/laughed at/and passed around these Engrish jokes numerous time. Both at the Engrish and the fact that people who've sent them can't tell the difference between Korean/Chinese/Japanese. I don’t believe these jokes are supposed to belittle Chinese, as I am for one who would not tolerate racism or any kind of discrimination. These are just pictures tourists have taken of funny encounters they had in their trip and have shared with others. From experience, most people who are racist are those who have never step a foot outside of their country or city, and they are sad ignorant people. (or have met a bad apple and generalized the whole race.. which makes them sad ignorant people too.. )

I hope I am not offending anybody, but I’ve got a Chinese-Aussie Joke. I think this joke is not just funny, but also shows that people from different culture can have misunderstandings so easily even when the same language is spoken

****

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome o n hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man," He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit"

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